[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
You Might Also Like
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
jesus christ confetti not now