My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
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Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?