The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
You Might Also Like
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying