The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
next level snooze
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
British websites use biscuits.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls