How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
You Might Also Like
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Social Media and Real life
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered