wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”