My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
You Might Also Like
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
cyclists
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.