Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I hate everything
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.