I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems