Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.