Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
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each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb