“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Does this dress make me look cat?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..