[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain