KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Light as a feather, smorg as a board