CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
You Might Also Like
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M