Good boy ๐๐
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Crying and holding my daughter, โlook baby, she looks like us.โ
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
ITโS-A ME,
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Donโt let the British accent fool you. Iโm not saying anything smart
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
โKids are disgustingโ, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasnโt been washed in 42 years.
dinosaur: howโd you die
human: stupid
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.