A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?