I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.