[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
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Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.