Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
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*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English