Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*