Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…