ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
i meant to share this earlier
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
For the baby who has everything
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts