i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
was Jim off killing horses or…
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job