True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
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what day is it?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
A leaf blower, but for people.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos