Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.