CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I’d hang this in my house.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.