Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My dog learned how to text
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.