I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?