After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
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My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
uncle dave has been through hell
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
LOL
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.