Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
me hooking up with my ex
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
respect
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?