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ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen