Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary