My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
incredible book dedication
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?