Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one