Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
me and who
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
this chia pet tastes awful
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?