They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
You Might Also Like
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
🤣🤣🤣
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90