Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Oops I deleted….
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Day 2 of my diet
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.