*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
You Might Also Like
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]