Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time