i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
when dads have a rap battle
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Unsolicited sandwich pics.