I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.