Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Huge, if true.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’m sorry…what?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.