They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.