Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.