After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.