(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
You Might Also Like
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Dolls on drugs
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.