Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
You Might Also Like
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.