Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I came this close!!!!
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.