idk flipping houses looks really hard
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me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I missed you with all my darts
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection